Today Madeleine turns three and in exactly one week from today, I turn thirty-four. I don't know what's more shocking to me - my daughter's age or my age! These last three years have gone by exceptionally fast and slowly at the same time, if that's possible to understand. When I think of Madeleine as a newborn and those first few sleepless months, I feel like the memories are distant and hazy... probably because I wasn't fully awake for most of them. But then other things stand out vividly -- our daily long walks, her joy as she bounced in the jolly jumper, her downward dog yoga maneuver (which replaced crawling), her first steps at ten months. These all seem like yesterday to me. Turning three is significant in many ways. First of all, it marks her entry into childhood and out of "toddlerhood", if that's a word. This age brings increasing independence on a daily basis. I hear multiple times a day, "Mommy, I don't need your help" as she picks out her outfits, dresses herself, goes to the bathroom. This is liberating but also sad to me because I have to already start letting her go in some senses. She's so proud of herself when she puts her pants on forwards and her shoes on the right feet, and I'm proud of her too. There are many occasions when I want to jump in and help her, but I hold back because I know this is a small example of many more to come in life where I'll need to let her figure things out for herself. And she's already proving that she will.
Besides marking advancement in maturity, turning three also represents three years of my life as a mother. What a transition from my previous role! As much as you think you're prepared, you're never fully capable of anticipating all the joys and anxieties that come along with parenting. I don't think I'm the same person I was before having children. And, I'm proud to say, I think that's for the better. Three years ago, I put myself (and sometimes Keith) before everything else in life. I was selfish and self-absorbed -- but not in a conscious way. At that point I never had to think of anyone besides myself so I didn't know what selfless really meant. Since Madeleine's birth "I", in many ways, have been taken out of the equation. My world started to revolve around her on February 8, 2007 and today she continues to be at the center, but shares the position with her younger brother. I'm more balanced today then I was after her birth -- I've learned to take some time for myself and to appreciate Keith more (my poor husband was pushed inadvertently to the back-burner for awhile). I've also learned that life is too short to do things that don't make you happy. If it weren't for my children, I wouldn't be working as a personal trainer. I feel my time is most valuable when I with them, so if I choose to be somewhere else it better be beneficial. My little blossoming business is beneficial because it challenges me, inspires me, and brings me happiness. This in turn makes me a better mom, and reason enough to make time for it.
I look at Madeleine on this day and I see her sweet, innocent face, and how she can't even begin to imagine what's ahead of her. I feel excited (and a little jealous) that she still has the whole world to explore. As I quickly approach thirty-four, I remind myself that my days of exploring are far from over. I may not get to live in a dorm again, experience a first kiss, or feel the excitement as I see the Eiffel Tower for the first time, but I do get to see a new world through the eyes of my children and I still have years left (God willing) of parenting, working, and creating many more memories with Keith. My wish for Madeleine in this fourth year of life is that she continue discovering her countless abilities and that she remain healthy in body and mind. Happy birthday, sweet girl.
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